99. DRUMMIN (by THE DEPUTY GENERAL MANAGER OF GANTOB (THE PROJEKT))

It is approaching midnight on Hogmanay 2023, and GANTOB is well past her stated deadline for submitting her final blog (23:23).

So I am initiating the agreed kontingency plan.

I suspect that there will be complaints – introducing a new person for the final blog of 2023. Exceeding 400 words. Too much jargon. Too many pictures.

From tomorrow GANTOB (the projekt) will no longer exist, apart from the small matter of the difficult second book. Don’t ask me what comes next, though you may want to check social media (X or Instagram) to get a head start. I’m just the dogsbody. GANTOB and the forces unleashed by Demokratisation are the “kreatives”. The Benefaktor is the funder.

GANTOB (the person) had very much wanted to post today’s blog, but she, Ali and family seem to have dropped off the radar. I have made some urgent enquiries with her hotel in Newtonmore. They found discarded materials in one of the rooms the “Finks” family checked out of this morning. The best guess is that they are currently stuck somewhere up near Drummin. If they’re lucky they’ll have found the bothy nearby. Perhaps they’re snowed in. There’ll certainly not be any mobile reception. If they’re desperate, perhaps they’ll be eating the black buns that GANTOB had reportedly bought for first footing tomorrow morning. Let’s hope that, to keep warm, they don’t have to burn the Curt Finks papers that they had so carefully packaged up and placed in the boot of the car.

The Kreative Tyrant in her had wanted to “feel” the final piece, rather than have it scheduled days ahead. That’s the risk you take. Blame Storm Gerrit, or whatever it was that came next.

The Benefaktor and The Foundation Doktor are currently “in transit”, on the way to Vienna for the Neujahrskonzert by the Wiener Philharmoniker, at Musikvereinsplatz, near Karlsplatz. All the Ks, as GANTOB might say.

Little Grapefruit might well be back in Vienna (apparently hunting “The Third Man”), after teleporting from her gaff in Wigan to “Ernie Toffee’s” art passage at Karlsplatz subway station (a location proposed by JR in a comment on a piece by Ariadne). And I am told that two rather minor characters from the blog – The Philatelist and Paula – are also making their way to the Austrian capital (good luck if you’re planning to piece together their involvement – though if you want to submit a theory of your own, and have a spare 800, 1200 or 1600 words, I am sure you know what to do, or can find out).

I am reliably informed that GANTOB and The Benefaktor are at loggerheads about their forthcoming volume GANTOB’s 2023: A trilogy. The Benefaktor is keen to spend his money within the financial year, for tax purposes, so wants a basic “book of the blog” – a simple cut and paste job. GANTOB is striving for “artistik purity”, so wants it to read like a book rather than a blog, however long that takes – replacing the early audience participation bits (snip, stuck, skateboarded etc) that were there to entertain/ build audience. I’m worried that she is promising too much. You may remember that the last book almost broke her. I have offered my services as editor, if they have the materials to hand.

Here’s what I do know: There is major restructuring underway. If all goes according to plan, some of GANTOB’s previously unreleased spying from October will feature in part 1 of the forthcoming book. This will apparently help pull together some of the loose ends in parts 2 and 3. But real life is messy, so don’t expect everything to be concluded neatly just because the year is coming to an end. In fact, 2023 has been particularly chaotic – arguably more disjointed, unfair and unpleasant than even The JAMs predicted.

And here’s what I hope: That this post will be replaced in the book, once the snow melts and GANTOB reaches her “black sheep kroft” and settles into her new life.

And should we be reading anything into the fact that the map of Drummin is on a website called ARIADNE, which shares its name with a double GANTOB contributor from Australia? Or do we just need to accept that ARIADNE is short for ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AIDED D-BAND NETWORK FOR 5G LONG TERM EVOLUTION?

Eventually everything connects.

If you want to read what happens in the final version of this 99-day-tale (which will be GANTOB’s second book – unless a more definitive account of Curt Finks’ or Little Grapefruit’s adventures emerges), and have not yet submitted a blog (the payment for which is a copy of that as yet unpublished book), then you have until 11:59 (GMT/UTC) on 1 January 2024. That is a minute before the bells in Samoa. If I am able to upload it to this website before 12:00 (GMT/UTC) then you will receive a copy of the book. 400 words are all that is required, on a topic related to GANTOB, ideally with a picture. Read more here on how to do this. But beware: if you or I fail in the task of uploading your planned piece on time, then you may not be eligible for a copy of the book. GANTOB will be the final arbitrator. Please note, however, that she (and perhaps The Benefaktor) has the right to delete posts that I have approved. Her decisions are final. Good luck!

Oh, and Happy New Year when it comes, wherever you are, and many thanks for all your interest in GANTOB (the projekt) during 2023. I don’t think that anyone had any idea in July that this would end up in quite as elaborate a project as this – two books, with contributions by dozens of GANTOBers, and counting (books and people). Long may it continue. It’s keeping a bunch of us occupied, albeit unpaid.

But for now: “Shut up! It’s that time again, kick out the old, welcome the new”, as Dirty Den once shouted, and The JAMs of course sampled in 1987.

DEPUTY GENERAL Manager OF GANTOB (THE PROJEKT)

23:59 on 31 December 2023 (UTC/GMT)